Romance Fraud: When Abusers are Motivated by Greed, Not Love

Key Takeaways:

1.   Romance Fraud Defined: Romance fraud involves exploiting someone emotionally to gain access to their money, status or assets. Abusers use trust and deception to make the victim believe in a genuine relationship while secretly pursuing financial or personal gain.

2.  Emotional and Financial Devastation: Victims of romance fraud often face intense betrayal, financial losses and legal challenges, especially if children or shared assets are involved. Recovery is a complex emotional and legal process.

3.   Steps to Recover: Survivors are encouraged to cut off contact with the abuser, seek therapy or support groups, rebuild their social connections and consult legal experts to recover stolen assets. It’s essential to remember that fraud is not the victim's fault, and healing is possible with time and support.

Sometimes a relationship or marriage is just a long con called “Romance Fraud.” That is, the abuser enters the relationship primarily to gain access to the target’s money, visa status, home, inheritance, or something else. The love and romance are deceits. It feels like love to the victim—but it is actually a form of exploitation.

Here is an example:

Maria met Matt at an after-work mixer. She found him charming and appreciated how committed he seemed to be to the relationship. Two weeks into their relationship, he told her that he was going to marry her, which initially made her laugh. She describes those first months as being “attached at the hip.” 

Seven months after they had met, Matt persuaded Maria to sell the mortgage-free home that she had lived in for thirty years and move into his condo. She paid off his mortgage. He insisted that they buy wedding rings. Maria asked for a pre-nuptial financial agreement. Matt rejected the idea of a pre-nup, saying their relationship was about love, not money. 

A month later, Maria was diagnosed with breast cancer. Matt pushed Maria to get their wedding license the next morning and secretly marry as soon as possible. He said the marriage would enable him to be “next of kin” for medical decision-making. They got married less than a week after the diagnosis. She started cancer treatment the following day.

Five weeks into the marriage, while Maria was undergoing surgery and chemotherapy, Matt suggested divorce as a way to control her. He reminded her that he would “get half of everything” should they divorce, since there was no prenup. Maria was trapped by Covid and they lived together for a total of 20 months. By the time the divorce was completed, Maria had lost her home and her savings. Maria discovered that Matt had been monitoring her through her computer and phone throughout their time together, and even after their separation.

Looking back, Maria now sees many red flags, including Matt’s assertions that all of his exes had been “crazy,” the speed of the courtship, his rapid access to her finances, his lack of a solid work history, and his isolating her from her family without her knowledge.

“Romance Fraud” refers to faking love to exploit another person. The term is most commonly used to refer to online schemes. But Romance Fraud exists in the real world, too. The key element is that an offender defrauds a target through what the target perceives to be a genuine romantic relationship. These scams succeed only if the abusers are skilled enough to establish trust with their victims through developing a relationship.

Here are some other ways that Romance Fraud has shown up in couples:

•    Donald, from England, married Jamie and applied for permanent residency. He encouraged Jamie to invest in a house for the two of them. He promised to pay Jamie back his half of the down payment when he figured out how to bring his money from his bank in London. Two years later, with his permanent residency in hand, Donald filed for divorce and demanded half of the value of the house. After their separation, Jamie discovered that Donald had mocked him, calling Jamie his “meal ticket.”

•    Wanda felt mixed about Jerome after their first date. But Jerome would not take the hint that she did not want to be involved with him. Once a week, he would show up at her apartment to take her out to dinner, expecting sex afterwards. This continued until she got pregnant. He then said he would move in, to help. He had her apply for government benefits and hide that he lived in the home. Then, when she tried to break up with him, he threatened to report her to the government for fraudulently receiving benefits. She felt trapped. He demanded half her benefits. She found out that he had done this exact same thing to two other women in their city. During the pregnancy, she discovered that he was setting up another woman, much like he had done to her; taking this new woman out once a week.

The Effects of Romance Fraud

Romance fraud can be devastating. Victim-survivors are crushed to learn that the person who they had genuinely loved and trusted was a con artist. They feel immensely betrayed—as their golden dream castle comes crashing down into a pile of sand. Victim-survivors often blame themselves. They may lose large sums of money, their homes, and their self-esteem in the process. If they have children in common, they may be stuck negotiating custody and/or paying child support to a scam artist for the rest of their children’s lives.

Surviving and Recovering from Romance Fraud

If you believe you have been a victim of Romance Fraud, keep the following things in mind:

1) It is not your fault. The fraudster who was skilled enough to scam you has probably scammed others before you and will scam others in the future. The scammer created a false reality, and it was natural that you believed it. This reflects poorly on the scammer, not on you.

2) The intense, terrible feelings will not last forever.  Sometimes when the fraud is exposed, people feel like they are drowning in betrayal and shame. They feel like they will never recover. Remember, it will look different in a year, in five years and in a decade. The aching wound will fade into feelings of sadness and anger. At a certain point, you may be surprised to realize that you no longer think about that person or the situation very much at all. A support group, therapy, writing, exercise, and meditation can all help,  

3) Feeling lonely and a bit lost is natural. Especially at first, you may miss the intensity of the relationship. Reconnect with family, friends and neighbors who you may have been isolated from. Consider volunteering. Try to avoid getting involved in another romantic or sexual relationship until you have healed. (I suggest giving it at least a year, but that’s up to you). If you get involved too soon, while you are still vulnerable, you are at greater risk for further hurt and exploitation.

4) Cut off all contact with the fraudster. If you are not bound by children in common, block this person on social media and report them if you need to. Speak with your local domestic violence agency to see if you can file a protective order. If you have children in common, you should be able to restrict communication to that which is absolutely necessary. Consider using just one channel such as a parenting app. You may need an attorney’s help with this.Consider speaking with an attorney to see if anything that was taken from you can be recovered.  If you can prove that you signed documents or contracts under duress or false premises, it may be possible to reverse them. The sooner you act, the better. 

5) You will need to un-gaslight yourself. Learn about the nuances of gaslighting. The fraudster has undoubtedly deceived you not just about financial matters but also about the people in your life, the agreements you have made, and so much more! It may take a while to trust what you know again.

6) Consider speaking with an attorney to see if anything that was taken from you can be recovered.  If you can prove that you signed documents or contracts under duress or false premises, it may be possible to reverse them. The sooner you act, the better. 

7) See if you qualify for compensation. FreeFrom’s Compensation Compass is a free tool that helps survivors determine if they are eligible for compensation based on what they’ve endured, where they live and how much time they would be willing to invest.