Quiz: Are You Missing the Signs of Gaslighting?

Key Takeaways:

1. Recognizing Gaslighting Tactics: Gaslighting often involves subtle behaviors like distorting reality, shutting down communication or making victims question their memories and feelings. Over time, this can undermine a person's self-confidence and perception of reality.
2. Manipulation in Everyday Interactions: Examples of gaslighting include minimizing concerns, feigning concern, denying promises and diverting conversations. These tactics serve to control, avoid accountability, and maintain a power imbalance in relationships.
3. Healthy Communication vs. Abuse: While some gaslighting behaviors may stem from poor communication skills, an unwillingness to change, manipulation or threats are clear signs of abuse. Open dialogue and a willingness to improve are essential for a healthy relationship.

Gaslighting is a type of emotional and psychological abuse where an abuser convinces a survivor that abuse didn’t actually happen or wasn’t nearly as bad as they remember. 

Abusers use gaslighting to undermine and manipulate. They want survivors to feel unsure about their memories and to doubt their own instincts. If you do, they can continue to exert their power and control with less of a chance that you’ll protest, question their motives or think about leaving.

But if the whole point of this insanity-inducing tactic is to make you doubt yourself, how can you trust your instincts that you’re being gaslighted to begin with? 

Below are a few scenarios. See if you can spot why they are examples of gaslighting. Keep in mind that abusive behavior and gaslighting aren’t necessarily the same. 

Maria and Carlos: Shutting Down

Maria and Carlos have been married for several years. Carlos controls Maria's social life, dictating who she can spend time with and getting angry when she makes plans without him.

Maria: I feel suffocated when you try to control who I see and what I do. I need to have some independence.

Carlos: I don't understand what you mean. I just want what's best for you.

Maria: It's not about you wanting the best for me. It's about you not respecting my need to have my own friends and activities.

Carlos: Here we go again. You're always twisting things around. I'm not going to argue about this.

Carlos gets up and walks out of the room.

Why this is gaslighting: Carlos maintains control by refusing to take part in a meaningful discussion. By pretending not to understand and shutting down the conversation, Carlos doesn’t have to acknowledge his controlling behavior. Maria feels like her concerns are not valid.

Sarah and Ben: False Concern as Manipulation

Sarah and Ben are figuring out where to go for dinner. 

Sarah: Maybe we could go to that new Thai restaurant I’ve been wanting to try. 

Ben: Oh, I don't know. I'm not really in the mood for Thai. Wouldn’t you rather have pizza? I just don't want you to feel disappointed if you don't like that Thai place.

Sarah: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. We can totally get pizza. It was just a suggestion. I'm sorry.

Why this is gaslighting: Ben is using fake concern for Sarah's happiness to manipulate her into changing her idea. When he acts like he is concerned, she questions her own desires and feels like she needs to apologize for them. 

Over time, Sarah may constantly second-guess herself. She may feel like her opinions and preferences don't matter and stop speaking up or making suggestions, even about small things.

Alexandra and Christina: Distorting Reality

Alexandra and Christina had a huge argument. The next day, they have this conversation.

Alexandra: I was really upset last night when you were yelling at me and slamming doors.

Christina: You're exaggerating. I wasn't yelling, and I only closed the door a bit firmly, if that. You're always making a big deal out of nothing.

Why this is gaslighting: Christina is distorting Alexandra’s perception of reality and making her question her memories and feelings. Over time, Alexandra may doubt her judgment, and depend on Christina to define what’s “real.”

Jakob and Daniel: Lying About True Events

Jakob promised to clean their apartment before the weekend. It’s Saturday morning and he hasn’t done anything.

Daniel: What’s going on? You said you would have the apartment clean by now.

Jakob: I don't remember saying that I'd clean the apartment. You must be imagining things.

Why this is gaslighting. Jakob is manipulating Daniel, so Daniel feels like he’s the wrong one. Over time, Daniel may become so confused and doubtful that he stops trusting his memories.

Elena and Mateo: Refusing to Communicate

Over the year that Elena and Mateo have been living together, Mateo has been taking over more control of Elena’s finances. He manages their money, gives her a small amount and criticizes the way she spends money.

Elena: I’m not comfortable with how you’re handling our money. I want to have more say.

Mateo: Speaking of money, did you see that new phone that just came out? We should totally get it. It has a bigger screen, more memory and a way better camera.

Elena: This is important. Can we please go back to the money issue?

Mateo: I have a really important meeting tomorrow, and I need to focus. Can we just drop it for now?

Why this is gaslighting: Mateo's behavior is a form of financial abuse, and he keeps changing the subject each time Elena brings up his abusive tactics. By shutting down the conversation, he avoids having to address Elena’s concerns. She may feel that she can’t share her opinions about their finances. He is increasing the power imbalance.

Leesa and Marc: Avoiding Accountability

Leesa is upset because her partner, Marc, makes negative comments about her weight, her clothes and her hair. 

Leesa: It really hurts my feelings when you criticize my appearance. Could you please stop?

Marc: I was just kidding around! Can't you take a joke?

Marc turns up the volume on the TV.

Why this is gaslighting: Marc is implying that Leesa’s feelings are not legitimate. She may start to question her own feelings and wonder if he is right about her not being able to take a joke. With this tactic, Mark avoids being accountable for his behavior and maintains control in the relationship. He may continue to gaslight and his abuse may get worse.

Emily and David: Denying Reality

David often interrupts Emily, dismisses her feelings or tells her she's "overreacting" to things. 

Emily: I feel like you don't listen to me when I'm talking. You cut me off or tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do. It makes me feel like what I have to say isn’t important to you.

David: What are you talking about? I always listen to you. I have no idea what you mean.

Why this is gaslighting: By denying his behavior, David is making Emily doubt her memory and experiences. By pretending he never behaved this way, David avoids taking responsibility. Emily may feel like her concerns aren’t important, start to question her own perceptions and wonder if she's imagining things.

There is a healthy way to argue and disagree as a couple. While gaslighting can be a sign of an abusive partner, it can also be a sign of a partner who hasn’t learned healthy communication styles. If you talk to your partner about how their gaslighting makes you feel, and your partner is open to change and shows change over time, it’s far less likely they’re abusive. 

Read “A Guide to Healthy Relationships” for more information. But if a partner reacts to your concerns with anger, manipulation, threats or flat-out ignores you, these are definitely red flags that your partner may be abusive.  Read “Profile of an Abuser” to learn how to spot more warning signs.