“It’s Really Not That Bad”—Why Some Survivors Minimize Abuse

Key Takeaways:

1. Reasons for Minimizing Abuse: Survivors may downplay abuse due to fear, guilt, generational trauma or the hope their partner loves them. Minimizing can also serve as a coping mechanism to temporarily reduce stress and maintain control.
2. Short-Term vs. Long-Term Impact: While minimizing may offer short-term emotional relief and help survivors function in daily life, it can delay healing, obscure the reality of the abuse and increase the risk of remaining in or repeating harmful patterns.
3. Path to Awareness and Healing: Recognizing minimization is the first step toward empowerment. Building self-esteem, journaling, seeking supportive relationships and working with a therapist can help survivors process their experiences and break cycles of abuse.

If you’re a survivor of intimate partner violence, you might find yourself thinking, or saying to someone, phrases like:

•  It doesn’t happen that often.
• They have never actually hit me.
• It only happens when they’re drinking (or stressed, tired or having a bad day).
• Every couple has issues.

Using statements like these is called minimizing abuse. Your brain may turn to minimizing as a coping mechanism to help you get through difficult times. Minimizing helps make it seem like the abuse isn’t as bad as it is. When you minimize things, you can pretend as if they’re not really there.

Kristie Tse, LMHC, founder and clinical director at Uncover Mental Health Counseling, says that using humor to make a situation seem less serious or comparing your situation to others as a way to diminish what’s happening is also common. “As a psychotherapist, I often witness these patterns as a means to preserve a sense of control or normalcy.”

Why Survivors May Minimize Abuse

Sumarie Engelbrecht, founder and registered counselor at Wholistic Mental Health Care, says that the most frequent reasons for minimizing abuse she sees in her practices are:

• Reducing guilt. If you try to convince yourself there’s no abuse, you can’t feel guilty about entering the relationship, not seeing the red flags or staying with your partner.
• Fear. You might be afraid the abuse will get worse if you reveal how bad it is to others. 
• Generational trauma. If you are from a home where violence and hate are common, the pattern of abuse may feel familiar. “You can become desensitized, and the abuse is subconsciously minimized,” Englebrecht said.

Survivors minimize for other reasons as well. “They may minimize because they want to believe deep down their abuser loves them,” says Nikki Martinez, a psychologist and licensed clinical professional counselor. “They may be afraid of losing a partner they love if they admit what is going on.”

They may minimize the situation because their abuser does. Martinez says, “People who abuse are so good at power and control, they’re able to convince their partners that there’s nothing else for them. And then survivors might think to themselves, ‘Maybe this isn’t so bad.’”

They may also use minimization as a self-protective measure. Abuse can cause fear, stress and panic. Minimizing what’s happening may help a survivor feel less stressed, at least temporarily, and even be able to make more sound decisions about their future.  

Minimizing Abuse May Help in the Short Term

“Minimizing abuse can sometimes serve as a psychological coping mechanism for survivors in their healing journey,” Tse says.

It can help protect you from the reality of trauma so you can function in your daily life and do things you need to do, like take care of your children. And it may help you survive if you’re not yet in a position where it’s safe for you to leave.

“Although it is not a true advantage, this minimization might provide a temporarily manageable perspective, offering emotional relief and stability in the present moment,” Tse says. But she points out that this approach might only be helpful in the short-term and could slow healing and personal growth. 

The Long-Term Effects of Minimizing Abuse

Over time, minimizing may keep you from dealing with what’s going on in your life. You may find it difficult to see what’s happening, so you can’t escape. And you might not recognize the amount of danger you’re in, or even spot the warning signs of possible lethal behavior.

Minimizing abuse over time can also trap you in a cycle where, when one relationship ends, you end up with another abusive partner. “If you’re not being truthful with yourself about the abuse, you’ll never break the cycle,” Martinez says.

How to Stop Minimizing Abuse

If you recognize that you are minimizing abuse, don’t judge yourself. Recognizing and addressing minimization is a step toward healing and empowerment.

Look for ways you can build self-esteem, which can help you see abuse for what it is so you can walk away from it. “There are a lot of people who feel like this is what they deserve,” says Ambroes Pass-Turner, Ed.D., a clinically certified domestic violence counselor with a doctorate in counseling psychology. “It takes working on their self-esteem to get them to see the real picture and give them a reality check.”

Martinez agrees: “When you have self-esteem, you won’t stand for a situation at the first sign of abuse.”

It may help to:

• Journal about instances where you minimized abuse so you can reflect and become more self-aware.
• Build a network of people you trust and who encourage honest conversations. Connecting with supportive people in your life or joining a support group can help you realize you deserve more and start to break patterns.
• Talk to a therapist (find one here) so you can explore your tendencies to minimize abuse and understand where they come from. “In sessions, I encourage exploration of these thoughts in a safe and supportive space to help clients process their experiences authentically,” Tse says. “Therapy sessions can focus on developing healthier coping strategies that align with your genuine feelings and experiences.” 

How to Help Someone Who Might Be Minimizing Abuse

“If you suspect someone is minimizing abuse, approach them with empathy and a non-judgmental attitude,” Tse said. When you create a safe and supportive environment, you encourage open conversation. 

You can gently share what you’ve noticed, saying something like, "I've noticed you often downplay certain situations. I'm here to listen if you want to talk about them more openly." You can also encourage them to seek professional help, by offering resources or helping them find a therapist. 

Remember that being a consistent, trustworthy presence can empower them to face their experiences honestly so they can work toward healing. “Respect their autonomy and be patient,” Tse says. “This process can be gradual and requires time.” And abuse, whether physical, psychological or social, has lasting effects.