Empowering Survivors: VOICES Network in Action

The VOICES committee in Southeastern Connecticut is a group of survivors who have come together to give back to Safe Futures by providing guidance, feedback and support to other survivors on their journey to hope and healing. VOICES members meet bi-weekly on a volunteer basis.

This committee is a part of the broader VOICES Survivor Advocacy Network, a part of Alliance for HOPE International. VOICES Committees are an important part of Family Justice Centers (FJC) in their communities. Members support each other as well as incoming FJC clients. As survivors, VOICES can offer a unique perspective to a Center’s established programming, and/or identify gaps in services. VOICES chapters have always been central to every Family Justice Center’s mission in perpetually improving and adapting services to the needs of families and children impacted by violence and trauma.

On January 21st, VOICES hosted an event called Our Community, Our Responsibility: Addressing DV and Coercive Control at the Naik Family Branch of the YMCA in Mystic, Conn. It was the first event of this kind and one that the women hope to replicate in communities near and far. 

The event started off with Marie introducing Kate Amber MSc, Founder of End Coercive Control USA. Kate gave a brief overview of The Quicksand Model® of Coercive Control and her story of surviving abuse in many forms since childhood. Kate shared what the tactics of coercive control look like and how they are used by coercive controllers to entrap targets in abusive relationships. She described how systems create environments for coercive control to exist and thrive. She explained how individuals can become targets to a coercive controller, and how difficult it is to identify and escape once you are trapped in a relationship, group or system dominated by coercive control.

After Amber completed her presentation, she introduced another survivor, Denisse. Denisse bravely shared how she met her first abusive partner and how she was fooled into thinking he was a kind and gentle man. After describing the love-bombing and fast pace of the relationship, she paused saying, “But I’m not alone.” Then a woman from the audience named Suzi bravely stood, and repeated, , “You are not alone.” Suzi then shared a similar – but very different – story of falling in love with her former husband, a man who went from joyfully completing her family to terrorizing and traumatizing her. 

Denisse then continued with her story. She shared how it wasn’t easy to identify if she was the problem or if it was her boyfriend at the time. It’s confusing when you are in the midst of being gaslit. Denisse said once more, “But I’m not alone.” And JoAnna chimed in from the right side of the room with, “You are not alone.” She told her story of going to a therapist to try to fix herself into behaving better so her husband wouldn’t rage at her. She shared that even after the police had to intervene for the safety of her and her children, she didn’t understand the severity of her risk.

Denisse shared about leaving her boyfriend after much physical abuse and isolation. After a while, she met someone new. This boyfriend didn’t have the same issues as her ex-boyfriend. He outwardly loved her and cared for her. Her family was so excited to see her in this type of relationship. They got married and started a family. But behind closed doors, he was not the same man. Denisse said once more, “But I’m not alone.” And Desiree chimed in from the back of the audience with, “You are not alone.” Desiree painfully described a similar dynamic with her ex-husband. Outside of the home, he was a doting husband. They opened a business together and, from outside looking in, their life was a dream. But behind closed doors, that dream was a nightmare. 

Denisse spoke again describing her marriage and the abuse her children began to endure. She didn’t know how she was going to leave, but she knew she had to in order to keep her children safe. She described the torture of trying to remain safe from her ex-husband. But she survived, and she reminded us once again, “But I’m not alone.” And Casey chimed in from the front of the room with, “You are not alone.” Casey boldly shared her story of abuse at the hands of her ex-husband. And then she continued to tell of her current struggle, the family court system. One would think children are kept safe in situations with abusers, but as survivors of abuse will tell you, the abuse doesn’t end when you leave, especially if you have children.

Denisse ended the night with a glimmer of hope. While domestic abuse happens every day, survivors happen every day too. And when you meet people that have overcome abuse, you can create safety, understanding, and healing. By raising awareness, these women hope they can make change. Current communities may see abuse victims as weak, timid outcasts. But this committee wants to show the world that many survivors were merely hoodwinked, yet are smart, talented and brave— and likely within in your social circles. Being a survivor of abuse has brought Kate, Denisse, Suzi, JoAnna, Desiree and Casey together. And now they want to take responsibility to change the perception of abuse within as many communities as they can. 

Reach out to Marie Kenny if you’d like to have them speak at your next event. 

The VOICES Behind The Event

Denisse Mateo is a senior executive HR manager, a mother, a strategic thinker, a survivor of domestic abuse and a VOICES member. She is also the mastermind behind the event. She didn’t want to host another event where one survivor boldly stood up and told their story. She wanted to host an event where several survivors could stand among the audience and each tell a piece of their story. She wanted an event to showcase that abuse survivors are all around us–in our communities, our families, our social circles and in our midst. And when she brought her idea to her VOICES committee, they did what they did best: they jumped into action and worked together to bring her idea to reality.

Desiree Peak is the Membership Director at the Naik Family Branch of the YMCA in Mystic, Conn. She is also a former professional dancer, a choreographer, a survivor of domestic abuse and a VOICES member. She knew she wanted to be a part of this event and also knew it could be hosted–free of charge–at her YMCA. After finding a few dates that worked for the group, she booked the space and made the arrangements for creating a flyer for the event. 

Kate Amber is the creator and developer of The Quicksand Model® of Coercive Control. She holds a master of science in the psychology of coercive control and post-graduate certifications in violence and abuse prevention, human rights, child protection and ADA advocacy. She is also a survivor of childhood abuse, domestic abuse and a VOICES member. The group asked her if she would not only share her story with the audience, but also her model. With some additional context it was the group’s hope to help their community understand the depths of domestic abuse. Kate accepted the challenge and created a brief introduction to coercive control–an often unseen part of domestic abuse. 

Casey Brinkman is a registered respiratory therapist, a family court reform activist, a pro se coach, a mother, a survivor of domestic abuse and a VOICES member. She wanted to bring her unique perspective on not only the abuse she endured during her marriage, but also the post-separation abuse of herself and her children in the years to come. In the current Connecticut family court system, abuse is not understood, and the abuse doesn’t end when you leave. She wanted to share her story with the community and make them aware of the injustices she has faced.

Suzi Schell has over 25 years of graphic design, marketing and fundraising experience, and is currently the development coordinator for a large nonprofit organization. She is a line dancer, a wife, kayaker, a mother, a survivor of domestic abuse and a VOICES member. She firmly believed in telling her story as she is a well-respected community member, yet not many knew about her previous marriage and her experience with domestic abuse and coercive control. She was ready to tell her story.

JoAnna Baanana is a partner at O’Brien Communications Group, a writer, a marketer, a mother, an insatiable reader, a survivor of domestic abuse and a VOICES member. She wanted to share her voice in this forum as she knew it was a way to increase the understanding about abusive relationships. In her experience, abusers are able to deceive people and systems to garner sympathy and continue to cause harm even post separation especially when children are involved.

And last but not least, Marie Kenny is the director of client access and The Center for Safe Futures project coordinator. She is also the facilitator of the VOICES committee, a former Massachusetts state trooper who specialized in investigating domestic violence and sexual assault, and a friend to all the women on the committee. Marie keeps this VOICES group on track by sharing meeting minutes and agendas, and she was crucial to this meeting as part of its planning, introducing, and hosting of the Q&A after session.