Understanding Boundaries and Consent in Relationships

Key Takeaways: 

1. Boundaries Promote Healthy Relationships: Boundaries are essential in all relationships—romantic, familial or professional. They allow individuals to protect their physical, emotional and mental well-being, ensuring comfort and security.  

2. Consent is an Ongoing Process: Consent requires active and voluntary agreement at every step of interaction, particularly in intimate situations. It can be withdrawn at any time and respecting it demonstrates care and mutual respect in relationships.  

3. Ignoring Boundaries or Consent is a Red Flag: Disregarding communicated boundaries or bypassing consent is often a sign of unhealthy or abusive behavior. Recognizing these signs early is critical to protecting personal safety and well-being.  

Whether you’re four 4 or 104, boundaries and consent should be two familiar concepts you apply to any relationship in your life. If they’re not, this primer is definitely worth reading. 

Both boundaries and consent can keep us safe in our daily lives by establishing what we are and aren’t comfortable with. They can apply to our partner, family, friend, and professional relationships. It can be difficult for some people to establish boundaries or insist on consent because they may not feel worthy of bodily autonomy. Trauma, especially abuse, can lead to someone believing that they don’t deserve to set boundaries. They may also fear the consequences when they do assert themselves.

Why Setting Boundaries Is Important 

Just as your home may have a fence that divides your property from your neighbor’s, a boundary is a virtual fence that separates your body, emotions and energy from someone else’s. Boundaries are you honoring your body’s inner voice and providing what you need in order to feel secure.

Setting healthy boundaries applies to all ages. Many parents teach their children about both boundaries and consent as early as toddlerhood, asking them if it’s OK if they help them with an activity, assist them in getting dressed or if they can have a hug. 

Boundaries help establish limits for what you deem acceptable. If you’ve ever felt like someone has taken advantage of you—they may ask one too many favors, invade your personal space when you just really want to be alone, or constantly unload their emotional distress on you, assuming that your silence means you don’t mind—you may need assistance in establishing clearer boundaries. 

The easiest way to determine what type of boundaries you need to set is to ask yourself: “What do I need in order to feel comfortable right now?” 

Type of Boundaries You Need to Set

There are several types of boundaries one can set:

Physical Boundaries 
It’s your body and therefore you, and you alone, get to decide what to do with it. This may apply to one’s proximity to your body, such as whether or not you’re comfortable with hugs or other physical touch. This is saying it’s not OK when someone touches you without your permission, whether or not that touch is seemingly harmless or violent. Setting physical boundaries can also apply to your home or workspace—who you allow to be there and what the rules are of someone who comes into your space. You can also set physical boundaries when going into someone else’s space. You may not be comfortable having a door shut when going into someone’s office. It’s OK to communicate that boundary. 

Emotional and Mental Boundaries 
How you receive people’s emotions is also something to be protected. No one should make you feel a certain way or talk you out of your emotions. This means that when you’re proud, no one gets to tell you that’s not warranted. If you’re sad, you shouldn’t be told that you need to be happy. Likewise, if someone around you is experiencing a certain emotion, such as anger or frustration, you have every right to say that you need some space from that person because you don’t want to absorb their negative emotions. This is especially important in relationships with abusive partners. Abusers may try to make their partner feel guilty or responsible for their own abusive choices. It is not the survivor’s job to take on this emotion in order to abate guilt from the abuser.  

Sexual Boundaries 
You get to determine what you’re comfortable with each and every time you choose to get intimate with a partner. Your boundaries may change with each encounter or even during the encounter, and that’s OK. No one should try to persuade you to change your boundaries. 

Material Boundaries 

Sure, maybe sharing is caring, but it’s not a requirement, even with your partner. You may not want to share your home with a partner. You don’t have to lend them your car. This can also apply to setting financial boundaries—how you choose to spend or save your money is your choice and someone else, including a partner, shouldn’t dissuade you otherwise. 

Spiritual and Religious Boundaries 

What you choose to believe in (or not) should be up to you. No one else, including a partner, should be able to decide for you what your belief system is. You can also set up boundaries around how much you feel comfortable sharing about your spiritual beliefs. 

Why You Might Hesitate to Set Boundaries 

In “Where Are Your Boundaries?,” Irene van der Zande, author of Relationship Safety Skills, said that internalized beliefs, such as “It’s not worth it,” “I have no right,” or, “It’s dangerous to say no,” can be one reason we talk ourselves out of setting personal boundaries. She also cites a longing to belong, wishing to be accepted or loved, a fear of rejection or growing up in a home where boundary-setting was not allowed, can also make us afraid to speak up.

If you’re working on finding your voice, writing down your boundaries is a good start, too. 

 “Safe and strong relationships start from a foundation of understanding appropriate boundaries,” she writes. Therefore, taking time to create written boundaries and overcoming fears about speaking up are often vital to having a healthy, equal relationship.

What Does Consent Mean?

Consent is an important component of setting boundaries. Just because we know our boundaries doesn’t mean everyone else does, too. That’s why consent should be a required part of all relationships, including with family, coworkers, partners and in service industries like healthcare or self-care (e.g. getting a haircut or a massage).

Consent means a willing and active, often verbal, agreement to participate in any activity. Consent is usually tied to intimate activities, but it can apply to any of the boundaries outlined above. Someone can ask for consent to sit next to you. You can ask for consent before unloading your day’s stressors on a friend. It’s polite to ask for consent before posting a photo of a friend on your social media. Consent shows respect and allows someone to express their boundaries. 

In terms of intimate activities, consent should be affirmative, meaning that an audible “yes” is the only thing that means yes. Silence does not imply a “yes.” And someone who is incapacitated, inebriated or unconscious cannot give consent. 

Consent should also be voluntary and not coerced. Pushing someone to say yes when it’s clear they’re hesitant or after they’ve already said no is not willing consent. Consent should also be asked for at every step of intimacy. Saying yes to a kiss does not imply consent is given to take someone’s clothes off. Likewise, consent can be revoked at any time. If someone says yes to kissing, they can say no to kissing a minute later. The person giving or revoking consent should be respected and never shamed. 

Asking for consent doesn’t have to be awkward or stifle a romantic mood. There are various ways to ask for consent including:

• Are you comfortable with this?
• Are you OK if I [describe what you want to do next]?
• Do you want to slow down?
• What do you want to happen next?

When Boundaries and Consent Aren’t Respected 

If you’ve communicated your boundaries and talked about your need for consent and your family member, friend or partner seems to “forget” these things more often than not, it’s a pretty clear indicator that they’re not respecting your body, personal space or mental health. This should be a red flag, especially in a relationship. Not respecting boundaries and not asking for consent may be a sign of an abusive partner. If a partner isn’t asking for consent and pushing past your boundaries, there’s a good chance they’re testing the waters to see what they can and can’t get away with. Their abuse is likely to escalate with time.

Not getting consent before engaging in sexual activity is considered rape. If you feel like you’ve been coerced into sexual activity that you did not consent to, you may want to consider reaching out to someone you trust—a friend or family member, counselor or therapist, an advocate at your local domestic violence agency or the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE.