How Mutual Protection Orders Harm Victims & What To Do

Key Takeaways:

1. Abusers Exploit Protective Orders: Abusers often manipulate the legal system through strategies like DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender), obtaining protective orders against their victims to frame themselves as victims and escalate abuse, even getting the true victim arrested.
2. Mutual Protective Orders Can Cause Harm: When both parties are issued protective orders, the true victim faces increased risks, including harassment, false accusations and legal consequences. This can also endanger involved children and lead to severe emotional and practical repercussions.
3. Proactive Steps for Victims: Victims falsely accused should seek support from trained domestic violence advocates, gather and present clear evidence (e.g., photos, texts, medical records) and consider filing police reports to document the abuse. Avoid dropping protective orders without legal guidance to ensure safety.

Domestic violence is not a fight between equals. Domestic violence is one partner trying to dominate the other in any way they can. This domination is often called coercive control. It can include isolation, intimidation, monitoring, and physical, verbal, sexual, financial and legal abuse. Not all these elements are present in every situation.

Domestic violence is one-way. Sometimes the victimized person will strike back verbally or even physically—but that does not mean the two individuals are equally responsible. Police and the courts need to determine who is the predominant or “primary aggressor” and who is living in fear.

Abusers will take out protective orders against their victims as part of a strategy called DARVO. This stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. Clinical social worker Christine Cocchiola reports that when the police and courts fail to assess the power differential among the parties, they may erroneously grant a protective order to a domestic abuser. 

 A particular danger of this is if the abuser convinces prosecutors to bring charges against the victim, police will be reluctant to arrest the abuser for subsequent assaults because it undermines the first case. Fortunately, domestic violence agencies often have relationships with the police and can help in these situations.

Mutual, Dual, Dueling or Cross Protective Orders

Victims of domestic violence often seek restraining orders for protection from an abuser’s assaults, threats, harassment and stalking. Typically, a victim can apply for a temporary restraining order (TRO) without a court hearing. The abuser will then be served with the order. Within a couple of weeks or so, the court will hold a hearing regarding a permanent protective order, which is typically valid for a year or more. An advocate from the local domestic violence agency can help victims get both the temporary and permanent orders. (The details vary by state. Please check with your local domestic violence agency to learn about the laws and processes in your area).

Maya’s Story: He Lied to Get a Protective Order

Some domestic abusers will stop at nothing to destroy their victims. They might lie in court, manufacture evidence or provoke and then record the victim to create the false impression that the victim is the aggressor.

Maya described what happened to her:

My husband had been abusing me for years, verbally, sexually, and physically. I was too scared to call the police. The neighbors called a couple of times, but I always lied to protect him. 

One day, he came home drunk and followed me all over the house, raging. He tried to grab our toddler from my arms. I got free and hid with her in the bathroom. I didn’t have my phone with me, so I just sat there with her, singing and trying to keep her calm while he yelled and banged on the door. It wasn’t the first time we hid there.

Suddenly, the police were at the bathroom door, telling me to come out. He had called them, saying that I pushed him. He must have scratched himself. You could smell the liquor on him from across the room. The police said they were going to take someone to jail and since he had a scratch, they arrested me. I was in handcuffs while they interviewed him. He told all kinds of lies about me. While they took me down to the station, he went to the courthouse. He filed for a protective order against me and temporary emergency custody of our daughter, which were granted. I was not allowed to go back home or see my daughter for two weeks before we got back to court.

A domestic violence advocate advised me to file a protective order against him. I brought a binder to the courthouse with me. I showed the magistrate hundreds of his text messages and emails, calling me names and threatening me with homelessness and never seeing my daughter again. There were also a few messages saying how much he loved me. My protective order against him was granted. But because he got the protective order first, the burden was on me to prove that I was the victim, not the abuser. 

Fortunately, at the hearing, the judge saw right through him. He made my protective order permanent and nullified the order against me. The judge allowed me to move back into our home and had my ex move out.

Although Maya’s story may sound like a nightmare, at least it was resolved relatively quickly. This is not always the case. Sometimes abusers will take out a protective order to retaliate against the victim filing for a protective order first. 

People might think that both parties having a restraining order is not a problem if they agree to stay away from each other. However, abusers who have managed to get protective orders issued against their victims now have an extra weapon. Abusers will use such an order to further abuse, harass, and threaten their victims, and even to get them jailed. This extra power endangers both the victim and any involved children.

Cocchiola describes the following scenario as typical: “The perpetrator will not let his wife or girlfriend leave a room. She pushes him out of the way or throws something. He calls the police and says he is a victim. When a perpetrator has worn a victim down through trauma over time, she might react in an aggressive way.  Let's be real. When in the den with a wolf, at some point, even a lamb will fight back.”

Mutual restraining orders may be particularly harmful when there is abuse in a same-sex couple, or in an unusual case where the woman is the aggressor who victimizes her male partner. In these couples, it may be particularly difficult for people who are not knowledgeable in the field to ascertain who abused whom. Police or the court may decide to “throw the book at” both parties. 

How To Protect Yourself

What can victims of domestic violence do if a protective order has been taken out against them?

1. Get Support from Trained People. A domestic violence advocate can give you options and support for your next steps. An attorney who understands coercive control and domestic violence can help you proceed with legal actions including reversing the false protective order against you, and proceed with other legal actions. 
2. Collect Evidence and Present it Clearly. Any of the following may help:

• Photographs of bruises, holes in walls or doors, or objects that the abuser has broken; 
• Copies of texts or emails, especially if these contain lies, intimidation, apologies or threats. 
• Medical records documenting abuse-related injuries.
• Recordings you may have which document the abuse.
• Statements from witnesses, especially professionals such as doctors and teachers.

1. Consider Reporting the Abuse to the Police. Filing for a protective order is not the same as filing a police report. When domestic abuse victims do not report assaults, they leave themselves open to false claims by the abuser about who is hurting whom. This is a special problem in cases of child custody.
2. Try to Avoid Dropping a Protective Order. If you have been granted a protective order, think carefully before you drop it. When there are dual orders, sometimes abusers will propose a version of, “I will drop my order against you if you drop your order against me.” Be careful and seek legal advice before you agree to this. A protective order against your abuser can help keep you and your children safe.

Mutual domestic violence is exceedingly rare. Much more commonly, an abuser will use a protective order against the victim as a retaliatory weapon. Mutual orders of protection should also be rare and issued only when there is evidence of abuse (and not just self-protection) by both parties.

In the example from above, Maya’s daughter continued to have parenting time with her father. One day, the father threw his daughter down and stomped on her hand. The daughter took out a restraining order against her father. Immediately, the father took one out against her, too. The father weighed 220 lbs. and the daughter merely 110 lbs. The father stated smugly to his daughter, “If I’m going down, you are going down, too.”

When a victim of violence is subject to legal restraint and/or unjust arrest, a slew of additional problems can follow, such as problems with their jobs, housing and spending time with relatives. It behooves the police and the courts to explore which party in the relationship has power over the other. That is, they must determine who is the primary aggressor.