How to Divorce an Abusive Spouse

Key Takeaways

1. Prioritize Safety and Preparation. Before mentioning divorce to an abusive partner, it’s crucial to have a solid safety plan in place, gather important documents and avoid discussing plans with mutual friends or the abuser’s family.
2. Collect Strong Evidence. Expect legal abuse during the divorce process, including attempts to manipulate the court system. If safe to do so, gather evidence like threatening messages, financial records, medical reports and police reports to support your case.
3. Secure Finances and Support. Protect yourself financially by securing funds and hiring an experienced lawyer. Seeking support from domestic violence advocates, therapists or support groups can help navigate the emotional and legal complexities of leaving an abuser.

It’s time. You’ve endured their abuse for long enough, and now you’re done. You deserve a safe life free from being controlled by another person. 

Where do you start when it comes to the divorce process? It can seem overwhelming, especially when you’re divorcing an abusive partner who is most likely not going to make it easy on you. In a best case scenario, you want to be as prepared as possible before ever mentioning divorce to your abusive partner.

Michellene Burke, associate member of the American Bar Association, is a certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician, family court strategist and a court-appointed mediator specializing in domestic violence, juvenile and domestic relations. She helps women navigate the complexities of high-conflict divorces, a fancy way of saying divorces from abusers. 

“Abusers are going to mess with you emotionally and psychologically. Expect and prepare for litigation abuse,” warns Burke. Litigation abuse, or legal abuse, is where the abuser utilizes the court system to continue to have power and control over their victim. This can look like filing nonstop motions to keep you in court or drain your finances or may try to garner sole custody of shared children just because they know it will hurt you. The best thing you can do, says Burke: “Prepare with strong evidence.” We’ll get to that in a second. 

When abusers begin to lose control over a partner, their abuse can ramp up. It can often be the most dangerous time for survivors. Do not underestimate what an abusive partner will do to keep you. With that warning, let’s start with step one. 

6 Steps Before Filing for Divorce

1. Do not announce any divorce plans to your abuser. This can put you in more danger, warns Burke. And while it may seem like a good idea to seek advice from those who know your abuser, it can backfire and derail your safety and exit plans.” If you do attempt to talk about separation and divorce with his friends, mutual friends or his family, they are likely to side with the abuser,” says Burke.
2. Reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate. We know it’s not easy to share personal details of abuse with a stranger, but advocates who answer the phones at domestic violence hotlines are trained to hear anything and everything. They will believe you. You need to consider making a safety plan, a blueprint that maps out any possible scenario that could happen when you leave your abusive partner and what your action steps will be. You can also DIY a safety plan if you’d rather. This safety plan should also include a checklist of important documents you should make sure you have before leaving or filing for divorce. This may include birth certificates, social security cards, school records, immunizations, pay stubs, bank account information, marriage license, will, mortgage papers, lease agreement, insurance information and pet ownership records. 
3. Get guns out of the house. Having a gun in the house increases a survivor’s risk of homicide by 500 percent. To get rid of guns, you can have a trusted friend or family member come get them or call your local police department and tell them you’d like to surrender them. They’ll likely send an officer over to get them. 
4. Collect evidence, if safe to do so. Especially when child custody is on the line, you’re likely going to need to prove a history of abuse in order to secure sole custody of your children. Even without children, collecting evidence can be advantageous in case your abusive ex begins to make false abuse claims against you. Evidence can look like audio recordings, screenshots of threatening text messages or emails, photos of abuse (either of your injuries or things your ex has damaged in the house), police reports, medical records and witness testimony.  Evidence may also be your child’s school records, says Burke. “If the kids were doing well and then his abuse escalated and [grades, attendance or behavior] correlates in time with that abuse, it can show the abuse was detrimental in the home to everyone’s well-being.”

For more information, read “Collecting Evidence of Abuse Without Danger.” Burke recommends checking into your local laws surrounding what kind of evidence is admissible in family court. “Even if you can’t use these recordings in court, you can look back so you don’t gaslight yourself,” she says, meaning you can remember why you left this person and why you don’t want to go back. 

It may also be helpful, says Burke, to educate yourself on the nuances of abuse. Your partner may be abusive in ways you don’t even realize, and learning this can help you better collect evidence. The hundreds of articles on DomesticShelters.org may be a good place to start. 

1. Secure finances and find a lawyer. “Protect yourself financially because he will leave you penniless,” warns Burke. If possible, she says, take half of the money out of any shared bank accounts and put it in a separate account only you can access. If you can’t do this without setting off alarms with your abusive partner, try to save money covertly. You can find ideas of how to do this in “How to Stash Cash.” Secure an attorney with experience in helping victims of abuse. In “How to Find a Domestic Violence Lawyer,” there is a list of questions you should consider asking your potential lawyer before deciding to retain them.
2. Find support. If possible, finding a therapist that can help you through this process can be invaluable. Make sure they have experience in helping survivors. Burke also recommends getting your children established with a therapist of your choosing. After divorce proceedings start, your ex may try to petition to choose a therapist and will likely choose one he knows will counsel in his favor. For tips on what to ask a potential therapist, read “How to Find a Domestic Abuse Therapist.” If seeing a therapist isn’t possible, consider joining a support group, either in person or online, which can help you feel not so alone in this complicated process.

These initial steps, say Burke, may take a good three to six months of planning. If your situation is life-threatening, that may not be an option. But if you can plan ahead, it will make the divorce that much less painful. 

After Filing for Divorce

Here’s where things will get real, says Burke, who has helped many women through this process. Every abuser is different. Your abusive ex may simply let you go, but there’s a greater chance they will try to regain control, and often, it starts with stalking.

If you’re staying in the home, go through this 9-step home security checklist to cover your bases. Next, Burke says to make sure the evidence you’ve gathered has been backed up somewhere in case the abuser tries to delete it. 

“Abusers will take their phone and destroy everything. Have Cloud back-ups or a Google drive that a friend or family member sets up — something that the abuser doesn’t have access to.”

After that, it’s all about preparing for court. Divorcing an abuser, unfortunately, can be a long, drawn-out, emotionally draining, and expensive process. 

“Think of the 20 different ways [the abuser] will try to flip the script and be prepared for them,” advises Burke. Also, remind yourself often why you’re going through this torture—you and your children deserve a safe and healthy life.

Though it’s not financially possible in all cases, hiring a divorce coach like Burke can help alleviate some of that stress. Think of her as almost a doula for divorces. She’s there just for survivors, to attend to any need and calm any worries. 

“My role is to try and educate them while making them feel like they’re in a safe place where, whatever they share, they won’t be shamed or judged.” Burke acts as the voice for survivors, as needed. 

“When you’re in trauma, it’s hard to have a voice. I would say 90 percent of my clients feel scared and lost. I help them weed through everything. They end up saving thousands of dollars rather than having a paralegal try to summarize their story in court.”

What if the Abuser Files First?

Sometimes, abusive partners may catch on that their partner is about to leave and they want to flip the script. This can sometimes give them the upper hand—they may take control of finances, property, even children, before the survivor can catch her breath. 

“Even if he does file, continue on the same path of getting as much information as you can together,” says Burke. And, as tough as it is, consider going to a domestic violence shelter. Not only will you be more protected as you figure out next steps, it will also be another point of proof that abuse was present. 

“Keep track of all resources you have to access. If the abuser is withholding money and you have to make choices like visiting a food pantry or a clothing bank, make note of that,” says Burke. It will show the court later on that there was financial abuse present. Also, if you have children, taking these steps should not be a reason to feel ashamed. Burke says it can show the court that you will go to any lengths to take care of your children while your abusive ex has essentially abandoned you. 

Finally, remember to take care of yourself. You’re not alone in going through this and people are here to listen. Read “How to Minimize Stress and Fear During Divorce” for even more tips.