What are the Consequences of Contacting an Abuser with a Protection Order in Place?

Recently in a Massachusetts court, I heard the lawyer for a domestic abuser claim that the victim was not truly afraid of the abuser because she had contacted him on a parenting app. The judge responded angrily, “The protective order does not limit her behavior! That is how she is supposed to contact him regarding the children! Move on!”

The judge and Massachusetts law are clear. The victim was “the protected person” and would not get in legal trouble for contacting the person against whom the order was taken out—the “restrained person.”

Unfortunately, such clarity is often lacking regarding protective orders in other states.

Let’s say you have been granted a protective or restraining order to keep the abuser away from you. But something comes up that requires you to contact them. Maybe it’s financial or involves the children, a car or your home. Maybe the need is urgent, such as a medical emergency or a death in the family. Maybe family members have pushed you to invite the other parent to a family event. Or maybe the abuser is pressuring you to allow some kind of contact, “for the sake of the kids,” or in exchange for financial support that you need. Maybe you are just feeling lonely. Maybe you want to initiate contact to explore the possibility of getting back together.

You wonder, “What happens if I contact the abuser while I have a protective order in place?”

The Risks of Contacting the Restrained (Abusive) Party

Sadly, the answer is not straightforward. It depends on where you live. State laws differ, and judges also vary in how they implement the law. For the best answer in your area, contact your local domestic violence agency, which you can find here.

Across states, if you initiate contact with the abuser in a non-urgent situation, the abuser may claim that you are not actually fearful. The abuser may use this contact as evidence to have the protective order dropped. If the order is dropped, you will have less protection going forward from harassment, intimidation and threats. It may be more difficult to get a future protective order.

Initiating contact with the abuser could also result in the police viewing you as the problem or not believing the abuse really occurred.

Holly Rosen, MSW, trauma expert and former director of Michigan State University’s Safe Place domestic violence program clarifies: “In Michigan, when there is a no-contact order or a personal protection order, the victim and [perpetrator] are not held to the same standard. Technically, only the abusive party is accountable if they fail to follow the order. But some police departments have told survivors who call when the abuser is harming them, ‘I’m not going to help you anymore because you are inviting him over all the time.’ When this occurs, victims may not be offered the protections they need. Unfortunately, having contact with an abuser when an order is in place can create these potential problems.”

Sergeant Jennifer Bartak of Deerfield, Mass., notes that sometimes victims do need to contact their abusers because their lives are entangled or they co-parent. She suggests that all contacts be routed “through the court” so it is documented and safe. This might mean using a specific app or channeling messages through attorneys, a guardian ad litem (GAL) or a parenting coordinator. Bartak acknowledges that sometimes this is not possible, as life happens outside working hours. She points out that a victim contacting an abuser gives them an argument during an abuse order extension hearing that may jeopardize the order being extended. The abuser can call the local police department and make an official report of the contact date, time and content. 

Bartak suggests that victims “Be prepared to answer any questions during the abuse order extension hearing about this contact and why you had to make the contact. If there is a pattern of you contacting the abuser, the judge might believe that you are ‘not in fear’ and drop the order. Orders can be modified specifically to accommodate necessary communication, such as stating, ‘Defendant may contact Plaintiff only when regarding children's school arrangements, pick-up/drop-off, and medical emergencies.’” 

Protection Orders Vary by State

In some states, the protective order limits the actions of both the victim and the abuser.

Kirsten Faisal, Director of Training for the Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence explains an Iowa Supreme Court position: “If you violate the order that was put into place to protect you in Iowa, police can arrest you. When survivors are arrested in Iowa for violating the orders, they can be charged with aiding and abetting in violation of the order. So, I tell people in Iowa, ‘If you are going to get an order, you must act as if the order is against you, too. As if it is a mutual order.’ Otherwise, the legal liability on the survivor is so great—it will create more trouble for them.”

Other states make it explicitly unlawful to arrest the protected person for contacting the restrained party.

This legal hodgepodge is far from ideal. Attorney and forensic social worker Pamela Miller, JD, MSW, emphasizes that family court personnel need to understand the interpersonal dynamics of abuse. For example, it is normal for victims to try to stay on the abuser’s “good side” and to want to communicate to assess the abuser’s dangerousness. Miller says she has worked with moms who texted their abusers daily, despite a protective order, out of a deep fear that the abuser might become angry and try to kill them. “The abuser's response would either give them reassurance that they are safe for today or signal them to change locations for their safety."

Miller gives the example of a mom calling a child’s father, despite the protective order against him, to gauge his mood and current threat to herself and her child. If he seemed drunk or especially angry, she would ask a friend to take the child to visitation. Or she would contact the visit supervisor, guardian ad litem, parenting coordinator or her attorney, to see if she should still send the child to see the other parent. 

Miller describes the despair of victims in such situations, where the court has ruled that the adult victim deserves protection, but children will still be exposed to the abuser, unsupervised, or nominally supervised by the abuser’s friend or family member. Maintaining an order that protects the adult victim is one step toward keeping young children safe.