Am I Emotionally Abusive?

Key Takeaways:

1. Signs of Emotional Abuse: Abusers may manipulate their partners by gaslighting (denying reality) and employing DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to shift blame and avoid accountability, creating confusion and self-doubt in the victim.
2. Emotional Reactions vs. Abuse: Feeling angry, raising your voice or reacting emotionally to mistreatment doesn’t automatically make someone abusive. Abuse involves patterns of control, manipulation and belittlement, such as withholding communication or degrading comments.
3. Quiz for Self-Reflection: A quiz is provided to help individuals evaluate their relationship behavior. Healthy relationships involve mutual accountability, trust and respect. Conversely, consistent emotional manipulation or bullying may indicate abusive tendencies that require self-reflection and professional help.

Maria felt like she was going crazy. After getting married, her husband Luis stopped helping around the house. He said that domestic work was her job and his only job was to go to work. She did all of the cooking, cleaning and running errands, even though she held a full-time job as well. Whenever she asked her husband for help, he would say he was too tired or was leaving to go out with friends. The few times Maria got upset and raised her voice or called Luis “lazy,” her husband would yell back, telling her she was being emotionally abusive, and he didn’t deserve that, especially after all he had done for her. 

When Maria would inquire where Luis went after work and with whom, he would call her “jealous” and “controlling” (but still not answer the question). He accused Maria of never caring about his feelings in arguments, locking her out of their bedroom any time Maria tried to talk to him about how unhappy she was. He would stay silent for days afterward, pretending Maria didn’t exist until she begged for his forgiveness. When he did “forgive” her, he told Maria that maybe if she took care of herself more, he would pay more attention to her. 

Maria began to wonder if she really was the problem. Was she asking too much of her husband? Was she truly emotionally abusive when she raised her voice or argued with him? Should she dress differently to get his attention? She never thought of herself as an abusive person, but maybe Luis was right. Maybe something was wrong with her. She vowed to do better going forward.

Abusers Accuse Victims of Emotional Abuse as a Ploy

What it sounds like Maria is experiencing is a type of gaslighting. Luis is making her doubt her reality by denying the facts and bullying her into submission. 

Luis’ actions could also be described as the DARVO method: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It’s a three-step method of twisting accountability originally coined by psychology researcher Jennifer Freyd. It’s where an abuser denies they’re being abusive and instead flips the script, convincing the victim and those around her that she’s the problem, questioning her credibility and mental health. The abuser then takes on the role of the victim. 

It sounds like Maria’s responses are normal emotional reactions to Luis’ choices. Getting upset at a partner does not automatically make someone abusive. But a pattern of belittling someone in order to control them is abusive. Luis’ silent treatment could be considered an abusive tactic—he knows he can manipulate Maria by ignoring her, forcing her to apologize. His degrading comments about her appearance can also fall under the mental or emotional abuse umbrella. 

If Luis was a safe and healthy partner, he would listen to Maria’s concerns with empathy. He would accept responsibility and try to make amends. He would compromise and make sure domestic labor was shared in a way that worked for both of them. And he would be honest about where he was going after work, rather than avoid the question and accuse Maria of being jealous.

How to Recognize Emotional Abuse: A Quiz

Have you been accused of being emotionally abusive by a partner? Are you worried you might be? Take this five-question emotional abuse quiz to see if your actions could fall under the umbrella of abuse. 

1. When you argue with your partner, even if you get angry, raise your voice or say hurtful things, do you also … 
   1. …call for a break when things get heated and recognize when you both need to calm down?
   2. …take accountability for your part in the argument and apologize when necessary while accepting your partner’s apology?
   3. …find yourself reluctant to apologize for anything. It’s your partner’s fault that you get mad in the first place.  
   4. …think about how you can hurt your partner in the future as badly as they’ve hurt you during that argument?
2. How often do you accuse your partner of lying or being unfaithful to you?
   1. Never. You trust your partner. 
   2. Never. But your partner accuses you often, even though you’ve never given them a reason to. 
   3. Often. You know they’re lying and are just waiting for them to admit it. 
   4. Very often. You know that it’s not a matter of if they lie and cheat, it’s a matter of when. 
3. How do you usually get something you want in a relationship?
   1. You talk to your partner openly and honestly. 
   2. You talk to your partner, and even if it’s not something they want, you suggest a compromise. 
   3. You might use a guilt trip to get what you want, or just ask over and over again until your partner finally gives in.  
   4. You don’t often ask for what you want. You just do what you want and if your partner doesn’t like it, too bad. 
4. Do you ever find yourself insulting your partner?
   1. You try to always build up your partner’s self-esteem, not tear it down. 
   2. You’ve said something insulting before toward your partner, but you regretted it and apologized soon after. 
   3. You might call your partner “stupid” or an “idiot” when they’re doing something dumb but it’s because you want them to make smarter choices. 
   4. You often put down your partner with words when you’re upset but they’re welcome to verbally fire back if they want to. 
5. How do you react when your partner tells you about their feelings, specifically negative feelings you may have contributed to (i.e., “My feelings were hurt when you said that to me the other day.”)? 
   1. You try to understand where they’re coming from and ask how you can make things right.
   2. You might get defensive at first, but you make sure to know they’re heard and that you want to do better. 
   3. You feel uncomfortable hearing about your partner’s feelings and try to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible, usually by ignoring them or leaving the room.
   4. Your partner is way too sensitive and everything hurts their feelings. They can’t seem to understand this and it makes you mad. 
6. Do you ever find yourself using the silent treatment to show your partner how much they’ve hurt you?
   1. No, you believe in talking things out until there’s a resolution. 
   2. No, your partner is usually the one who shuts you out and refuses to resolve a disagreement. 
   3. Yes, sometimes it’s the only way your partner will apologize.
   4. Yes, if you don’t ignore your partner, they’ll just keep wanting to talk endlessly. 
7. Do you often yell to get your point across?
   1. You may raise your voice when upset, but you’ve never screamed at your partner in a way that’s made them afraid. 
   2. You don’t yell often, but when you do, you feel instant regret and make sure to apologize after you’ve cooled down. 
   3. Yes, you have to yell in order to silence your partner long enough for you to make your point.  
   4. Yes, you consider yourself the alpha in the relationship and your partner should be quiet when you speak. 
8. How do you feel when your partner finds support in their family or friends after a disagreement with you?
   1. You support your partner having friends and family they can turn to and confide in, just as you do. 
   2. You don’t mind your partner having a support system as long as they also want to talk to you about their feelings. 
   3. If your partner really loved you, they wouldn’t need to confide in anyone else. 
   4. You know your partner’s friends and family members are all against your relationship, so you get upset if your partner ever calls on them. 

Understanding Your Quiz Results

If you answered mostly a’s or b’s, you’re mostly making choices that are healthy and respectful in a relationship, even if your partner isn’t responding the same. You’re taking accountability, trusting your partner and trying to build up their self-esteem so they can feel good about themselves. If you’re being accused of being emotionally abusive by your partner, there’s a good chance they’re trying to gaslight you into not trusting your own reality, which is that you’re not abusive. This is a good time to ask yourself why they’d want to be doing that. It may help to speak to a domestic violence advocate near you who can validate what you’re going through and help provide some insight into tactics abusers use to have power and control over someone else. 

If you answered mostly c’s or d’s, this means you are making less respectful decisions in your relationship. You may be relying on emotional manipulation, bullying or degrading your partner in order to get your way. Your partner likely doesn’t feel safe sharing their feelings with you. You should consider seeking help and support to better understand why you’re making these decisions and how you can make better ones. Sometimes, the relationships that were modeled to us in our childhood end up being something we emulate as adults. It’s important to take responsibility and learn how to be a safe and healthy partner going forward.