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notes
It is incredibly frustrating to see a friend or family member be targeted by an abuser. Maybe your friend or loved one has broken away but then returned to a person who you know is controlling, emotionally abusive or physically dangerous. To an outsider, it can seem clear that a victim of abuse should “Just leave.” However, victim-survivors are trapped by a complex mix of fear, threats, finances, a sense of obligation, and even feelings of “love.” They know that the time they are at greatest risk for severe violence is around a separation from the abusive partner. Also, domestic abuse can also make it difficult for a victim to think straight.
As a witness to this, you may feel like walking away yourself. Maybe you’ve “had enough.” Enough worry, enough sleepless nights, enough unreturned phone calls and enough expenses related to trying to help your friend or family member get to safety. Maybe the worry you feel for them is draining and you’re neglecting your own responsibilities in service of your loved one. It’s just not working.
However, it is hard to walk away from someone you love, or care for, whether you have known them for a short time or their entire life. You may ask yourself if there isn’t just one more thing you can do to help.
Professionals who work in this field such as therapists, advocates, and lawyers often have rituals or practices to help them hit the “refresh” button and keep from burning out. They probably have a supervisor and colleagues to help carry the burden. They have vacation days and sick days. It may be a lot more difficult for a family member or friend to get that needed support and distance. People sacrifice their homes, their jobs and their own relationships, trying to “rescue” someone they love from an abuser.
So when do you know it’s it time to pull away? This decision depends on many factors. Psychotherapist Ayana Mbonu, LMHC, in private practice in Brooklyn, New York, suggests that it may be time to pull back “when you feel like you have done everything you can do, and when it’s getting in the way of you leading a full life.” Mbonu suggests that when friends and family members find themselves depressed, sleepless or unable to go to work—it might be time to set some boundaries. She suggests that friends and family members let the victim-survivor know, “I am there for you no matter what. And when you are ready to access help, I will be there for you. But for now, you are making your choice and I respect your decision.”
Here are some tips for getting a break:
Your support gives hope and help to victims of domestic violence every day.
It is extremely hard to see someone you care about struggle through a relationship with an abuser. At some point you may need to walk away, recharge your batteries and get some perspective. You need to stay safe and sane yourself. Space and time will help you see whether you are ready to lend a hand again.
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Menstruation is an experience shared by
generations of women across the globe.
Sadly, abuse is another commonly shared experience between women.
Be it physical or psychological, abuse is not OK in any form.
Period.
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Welcome to DomesticShelters.org, a trusted Bright Sky US partner. On DomesticShelters.org, you will find free domestic violence resources such as:
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