Intergenerational Violence: How to Break the Cycle

When Audrey Prosper told her abusive husband she wanted a divorce, he responded the way too many abusers do. Losing control of his victim, he beat Prosper before dousing her in gasoline and setting her on fire. Miraculously, Prosper lived and her ex was sentenced to 60 years behind bars.

While this incredible survivor began her long road to recovery—17 surgeries, nine procedures and counting—she never wavered in being a mom to her two sons, 11 years old and only 4 months old at the time. She was cognizant of the fact that what they witnessed could be ingrained in them, and that she didn’t want them repeating that pattern, even if that meant minimizing what happened to her. 

“Emotionally, they are both really healthy,” she told DomesticShelters.org in 2022. “I’ve always had an incredibly open dialogue with them. I’ve never bad-mouthed their father because I know that directly impacts their identities.”

While some survivors may choose to be completely transparent with their children and others may shield them from some of the more traumatic details, the importance of opening a dialogue cannot be understated. Studies show that boys exposed to domestic violence are more than twice as likely to become abusers as adults, whereas girls who witness domestic violence as kids are more likely to become victims when they grow up. Childhood domestic violence can also cause a range of behavior and health issues in kids, such as aggressive and antisocial behavior, depression and anxiety, and slower cognitive development.

What is Intergenerational Violence?

Intergenerational violence, also known as transgenerational violence, refers to violence or abuse that is originally perpetrated by parents, caregivers or siblings, and is then repeated by the children in the home when they enter a relationship in adulthood. This can mean children who grow up experiencing violence may either become abusers or victims of abuse. 

The reasons for violence to continue from one generation to the next are not certain. Plenty of children grow up with childhood domestic violence and never repeat the pattern. Unfortunately, others do. The obvious question then, is why would anyone emulate the abuse they were subjected to as children? 

Sherry Hamby, Ph.D. tells Psychology Today that one cause of intergenerational violence could be the social learning theory, or the idea that people learn by watching other people.

“It can explain why a child who grows up in a violent home might be a violent adult—they see adults use violence to get their way and social learning theory would suggest that kids will copy that behavior,” says Hamby.

Intergenerational violence is often insidious—it becomes ingrained in the same way one might unconsciously copy a harmless trait of a parent, like the distinct way they walk or talk. Dr. Sandra Stith, distinguished professor at Kansas State University and a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, or AAMFT, the leading association representing family therapists, has worked with individuals who grew up in violence and who swore never to repeat those patterns. Until, of course, they did. 

“A little boy watches this happen to his mother and thinks, ‘This is something I would never do.’ But when they start to deal with anger in their own relationship, it easily becomes a pattern they can use again.”

Stith emphasizes the importance of addressing the trauma children of domestic violence feel as soon as possible, not waiting until they’re into adulthood. 

“One of the things we know in children who grow up with trauma … trauma without work is very difficult to get rid of. It’s easily repeated in the next generation. When we start thinking about shelters for victims, we also really need to be addressing children and what they experience.”

How to End Generational Violence

Stopping violence before it’s repeated in the next generation often starts with acknowledgment. Here are some tips:

1.  Address trauma early. We may underestimate how much children absorb at home. We may think that if they are just babies, or were in a different room when an abuser hurt their protective parent, they won’t remember. However, studies show that 80 to 90 percent of children can give detailed descriptions of the abuser’s tactics, even when parents were sure children didn’t realize what was happening. And brain scans have shown that trauma, such as abuse, can even affect fetuses in utero. 

Have an open and honest (at an age-appropriate level) conversation with a child about the abuse they witnessed, heard or were subjected to. Let a child share their impression of what happened and acknowledge their feelings, whatever they may be. 

See “8 Ways to Talk to Kids Exposed to Domestic Violence” for more information. 

2. Find support. Whether you’re the protective parent, the child who experienced abuse, the adult who is suffering trauma from childhood domestic violence or someone who recognizes abusive behaviors creeping into their own relationship, it’s never too early or too late to find support. This can look like an experienced domestic violence counselor, a support group or—for kids—a place like Camp Hope America. Alliance for HOPE International holds the only camp in the nation specifically for children of domestic violence. This completely free camp is specifically for kids who have endured the trauma of an abusive parent. It’s a week surrounded by support, joy and hope. Parents should also learn their child’s ACE score, or Adverse Childhood Experiences. Sharing this information with medical professionals can help in predicting future health risks and planning appropriate treatment. 

3. Forgive yourself. Stith says that shame is an especially strong emotion felt by adults who experienced domestic violence as children. There’s either shame around feelings that they should have done more to save their abused parent, or shame that they’re now repeating abusive patterns in adulthood. 

“A lot of times, children, even young ones, feel like they should have helped mom, should have been in there,” says Stith. She also emphasizes that it’s not helpful for a survivor to pass their shame down to their children. 

“Saying, ‘I screwed up, I ruined my kids’ lives’, that’s not a helpful thing. You need to work through your own shame and trauma.”

4. Accept that you can only do so much. Stith reveals that her own daughter ended up trapped with an abusive partner. “You’d think, after 40 years working with survivors of domestic violence, I could have saved her,” she says. Her daughter, who Stith says grew up with two parents who were in a healthy relationship, fell victim to an abuser. Luckily, she got out before it was too late. “You cannot always end the cycle,” she emphasizes. “We can’t, as mothers, let the burden of what happens to our daughters fall on us.” She says the best thing parents can do is provide “amazing support” if their child begins to date someone with abusive red flags. If you push too hard for your child to end the relationship, says Stith, it could backfire. 

“I’ve seen that in a lot of relationships,” she says. “The mom gets kicked out of the picture and then, when [her child] needs her, she’s not there.”

Finally, know that there is no timeline on your healing process after abuse. Much like grief, the trauma of abuse can come in waves. Accepting that what you went through may affect you for your entire life will allow you to heal at your own pace. 

For more, read “Stages of Recovery After Trauma.”