Teens: How to Talk to Your Parents About Dating Abuse

Key Takeaways:

1. Abuse Is Not Your Fault: Teens in relationships with abusive partners may blame themselves, but abuse is never their responsibility. A safe partner should always make them feel secure, and abusers often manipulate survivors into staying or feeling at fault.
2. Tips for Talking to Parents: Choose a safe, private time to talk, be honest about the situation, and express what you need (e.g., support, advice, or immediate help). Allow parents to process their emotions and work with them to create a safety plan.
3. Support Options Beyond Parents: If talking to parents isn’t an option, consider reaching out to a trusted adult like a teacher, counselor, or coach. Local domestic violence advocates can also provide anonymous support and resources.

Listen, your new boyfriend or girlfriend is definitely not skibidi rizz if they’re making you feel unsafe. It’s so Ohio to be the type of dating partner who’s controlling, intimidating, mean or violent. No cap. Aura points to the teen who is brave enough to reach out to someone they trust and disclose that they’re not feeling safe with their dating partner. 

If you have no idea what that means, this article might not be for you. Honestly, I’m not even sure I used all those terms correctly. I’m in my 40s, which means I was born in the *checks notes* late 1900s.  

But I’m also a mom and I was once a teenager, believe it or not. And I was once in a relationship with a verbally and emotionally abusive dating partner during the age range statistics say are most likely to experience dating abuse—ages 18 to 24. 

Did I tell my parents? No, I sure didn’t. I thought I could handle it myself. I also didn’t want to admit that my first “real” relationship turned out to be with someone controlling and mean. I naively thought that admitting I was trapped in a toxic relationship meant there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t smart or observant enough to see what was happening before I had gotten in too deep. These thoughts weren’t correct, and looking back, I wish I had opened up to someone so they could tell me that.

As a result, it took years to extract myself. Years I wasted feeling less than, belittled and far too often, scared. I don’t want that for my kids, so I make sure to talk to them often about both red flags and green flags of people in general.  What are the signs of a safe person and the signs of a not-so-safe one? 

I want my kids to know, when they’re ready to date, that a partner should always make them feel safe. It’s also not their fault if they end up dating someone with abusive traits and it’s not their responsibility to fix that person either. Abusers target all types of people and often make it difficult to recognize the abuse until the survivor is out of the relationship. I wasn’t able to clearly see what I had been subjected to until I left my ex and a few months had passed. His gaslighting and brainwashing began to fade. I could finally see that, contrary to what he tried to make me believe, it wasn’t my fault that he made the choices he did. 

5 Ways to Talk to Your Parents (or Another Adult) About Dating Abuse 

So, maybe you’re a teen or young adult and you’re not sure if what you’re going through is abuse. Maybe you think it is partially your fault. Or maybe you want to get out of the relationship, but your partner is making it nearly impossible to do so, promising they’ll change, threatening you if you leave them or guilting you into taking them back over and over again. 

Whether or not your parents are the type to talk about all the feelings or avoid feelings talks like the plague, I promise you, they want to know what’s going on. They want to help. But also, you know your parents the best. If you don’t have a safe parent to talk to, consider opening up to a trusted adult in your life. This could be a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a teacher, your coach, a school counselor or the parent of a friend. 

Here are five tips to have that conversation. 

1. Pick a time and a place where you’re comfortable to talk.
   Five minutes before you leave for school might not be the best time to start this conversation. Tell your parents you need some time and would like to speak with them privately. That might mean younger siblings are in bed or at a friend’s house. Create the environment you need to feel comfortable.
2. Ask for what you need.
   Parents should ask this question of you, but in case they don’t offer up the information at the beginning. Are you looking for them to simply listen and support you, do you want their advice, or do you need immediate help? This could look like, “I need to tell you something, but I don’t need advice. I just need support,” or “I’m not sure where else to turn and I need to find a way out of this now.”
3. Be honest. 
   Your parents might ask you about specific events and how they made you feel. The more of your story you can share with them, the better understanding they’ll have of what’s going on and the more they can help. Especially if you are in immediate danger, try not to minimize what’s going on. Abuse almost always escalates, and it’s not safe to downplay your partner’s actions or threats.  
4. Allow your parents to respond.
   Your parents likely will have some kind of emotional reaction to your disclosure. They could be shocked, angry, sad or confused. Give them some space in the conversation to share their feelings, too. Your parents may initially try to downplay the abuse (an avoidance tactic when they’re not ready to accept you’re in danger) but be patient and give them some time and understanding to catch up to what’s going on. 
5. Develop a plan.
   Before ending the conversation, come up with a plan for the next steps. What steps do you need to stay safe? When and how is the best way to separate from this person? Consider looking at this DIY Safety Plan and this Emotional Safety Plan. If you’re being stalked, can you delete or change passwords on your social media accounts? Should they contact your school or the police? Do you need an order of protection? Do you need a cell phone for emergencies (if you don’t already have one)? 

You can also reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate at your local shelter to talk, either with or without your parents. You can stay anonymous. The advocate may be able to offer additional support and resources for you. 

Finally, parents, if you’re reading this, consider these 10 Ways to Validate a Survivor. Phrases such as “I believe you” and “It’s not your fault” go a long way in helping your teen know they’re supported and not alone.