Ask Amanda: Should I Text My Ex?

Key Takeaways

1. Recognizing Abuse and Control – The behaviors described (jealousy, control, checking messages, intimidation) are not just red flags but clear signs of abuse. Abuse isn't always physical; emotional and verbal abuse are also tactics of power and control.

2. Cutting Off Contact is Crucial – Continuing communication, even occasionally, can give an abusive ex hope for reconciliation. To break free, it's essential to block and delete their number, avoid shared spaces and possibly seek a support system or professional help.

3. Trust Your Instincts and Prioritize Safety – Missing an ex after a breakup is normal, but it’s important to remember the negative experiences. If there’s concern for safety, working with a domestic violence advocate to create a plan—including legal protections—can help ensure a safe and clean break.

Q: I know I shouldn’t do this, but I keep wanting to text my ex-boyfriend. I miss him, but again, I shouldn’t because when we were together, he showed a bunch of red flags of being abusive. He was pretty controlling and was jealous all the time. He was always checking my phone and wanted receipts of everyone I hung out with. But we also had so much in common, and he made me feel like I was the most amazing woman he’d ever met. We ultimately broke up because he lost his temper one night and yelled some pretty awful things at me and I had to draw a line. 

I texted him once after we broke up, and now I think I’ve given him some kind of hope that we’re going to get back together. That was a month ago, and we still text occasionally. I think I just need someone to tell me to cut him off completely. 

I mean, I would venture to guess you are an amazing woman. In that case, don’t you deserve someone who doesn’t yell “pretty awful” things at you, like, ever? I would say yes. 

Listen, the majority of us have fallen victim to sending the “I miss you” late-night text to a former partner at some point in our lives. And if you haven’t regrettably texted an ex some kind of feelings purge, I don’t even know what to say—please give a TED Talk on self-control because you are obviously an expert.

After a break-up, it’s easy to remember only the good times and block out all the rest. I’m not sure why our brains do that to us, but it’s sort of a cruel trick. It’s easy to think that maybe, with time after a split, our ex is going to realize what they did wrong, morph into a brand-new person and our relationship will be perfect the second (or third, or fourth) time around. 

The risky part of your question, obviously, is the “red flags of being abusive.” I would go so far as to say what you described aren’t even red flags—they’re outright signs of abuse. Being controlling and jealous are types of coercive control, which is often characterized by abusers using subtle tactics to control every aspect of a partner’s life. It can look like isolation, stalking, interrogation, humiliation and intimidation (i.e., losing his temper on you). As more time passes, abusers become more emboldened and very often escalate their abuse. This can be nonphysical for quite a while, which confuses a lot of people who assume that if their partner isn’t physically harming them, like hitting or shoving them, that the person isn’t abusive. A misnomer, of course. Plenty of abusers use nonphysical tactics of power and control, like emotional abuse, verbal abuse and financial abuse. 

Honestly, you did the exact right thing by drawing a boundary and ending things with this man before his abusive tactics got even scarier. 

I spoke with psychotherapist Alaina Provenzano, LMSW, who works with domestic violence survivors. She agrees that it’s difficult to disentangle yourself from a partner, even when abuse is present. 

“Relationships are complex and it can be really hard to leave for so many reasons. As part of the cycle of abuse, after an incident, there’s [often] an uptick of positive, warm, affectionate behaviors which can make it hard to identify abuse and leave,” says Provenzano.

She attests that many of her survivor clients miss their exes, which can be confusing even if you know you deserve better. 

“When we leave and are feeling sad, we’re trying to recover from the trauma as a single person. That’s the really hard part of this,” she says. “We’re wired to want community and have support.”

She suggests that you might also do some introspection about your past. Is there something from your childhood or a previous relationship that rings familiar with some of the behavior your ex showed?

“If we have a history of painful or violent or toxic relationships, we’re wired to want what’s comfortable and what we know. We don’t always recognize something as purely toxic—we just see this as the norm,” Provenzano says. Individuals who come from childhood domestic violence are more likely to be with an abusive partner in adulthood or become abusive themselves. If you have experienced abuse in your past, this may be something you want to explore with a therapist who has knowledge and experience in treating domestic violence victims.

Also, Provenzano warns to be wary of the manipulation that may come from your ex-boyfriend. If he wanted to control you during your relationship, he’ll likely want to gain back that control now that you’ve left. 

“Domestic violence is really about control. There are so many tactics to maintain control, and one of them is being charming, loving and affectionate. Also, a lot of people who experience abuse are highly empathetic and highly nurturing.” 

Your ex may position himself as the victim in all of this, saying that you’re the only one who can help him control his temper or become a better person. Your empathetic side may lead you to give him another chance. But this trauma-related guilt is a liar. You are not responsible for stopping his abuse nor is this even possible. An abusive partner must take accountability for what they do and make those changes themselves. 

So, on to the “What do I do now?” part. So glad you asked! 

• Keep your distance. This is the part where I tell you to cut him off completely. I’m talking delete and block his number and avoid going to places you know he’s at. If you share mutual friends, it might be a good idea to at least take a break from hanging out with them, if not find a new friend group. Consider going on a social media hiatus so he can’t see what you’re doing or where you are.
• Consider your safety. If you think cutting off all contact with your ex may result in him ramping up his control, aka stalking you, you may want to first work with a trained domestic violence advocate to create a safety plan. This plan may include getting an order of protection that sends a very clear message to your ex that he is not to contact you any further. Make sure to take any threats he delves out seriously, especially if he threatens you with harm. Report these threats to the police.
• Remember the bad feelings. To fight the impulse to contact him again, Provenzano recommends getting grounded in a more realistic sense of what this relationship felt like. “Call to mind a time you spotted a red flag in the relationship. What feelings does this bring up? Allow yourself to really focus on the stress, insecurity or pain you experienced then. Gently ask yourself if sending this text is worth possibly inviting those feelings back into your life,” she advises.
• Change your environment. Have that phone in hand, ready to text? It’s time to set it down and take a walk.  Give yourself some space or distance from that urge to reach out to him. Set a timer for an hour and then tell yourself you’ll reevaluate. 
• Find an accountability buddy. Do you have a good friend or family member who is supportive and nonjudgmental? Someone who, if you feel the urge to contact your ex, you can reach out to them first and they’ll say something that might change your mind? If not, an online support group like the DomesticShelters.org Victims and Survivors Community on Facebook might be the ticket.

Good luck …. and put down that phone.

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, Twitter, or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.