Ask Amanda: Is My Controlling Boyfriend Abusive?

Key Takeaways:

1. Controlling Behavior is a Red Flag
Controlling actions, such as deciding everything for a partner or insisting on sexual intimacy, are significant red flags. While not all controlling partners are abusive, unchecked control can escalate into various forms of abuse, including psychological, verbal, physical and sexual.

2. Healthy Relationships Require Equality and Respect
A healthy partner listens to concerns, respects boundaries, and values equality in decision-making. If expressing discomfort leads to anger, guilt, or dismissal, it indicates deeper issues that should not be ignored.

3. Addressing Control and Protecting Yourself
Speaking up is essential but requires preparation and courage. If your partner refuses to change or exhibits escalating control, consult domestic violence advocates to create a safety plan. Long-term change in controlling behavior demands consistent accountability and effort from the controlling partner.

Q: My boyfriend always makes the decisions in our relationship. He decides where we go at night, who we invite, what I should wear—he even insists on ordering for me at a restaurant. He says he should be able to have sex with me whenever he wants. He says it’s traditional if the man takes charge and that’s the kind of relationship he wants. I’m not very good at speaking up for myself, so right now, I’m just letting him do this. He’s nice to me, so I’m not worried about him being abusive. But I’ve read enough to know that control is a red flag of an abusive guy. So, I guess I’m asking what you think. 

Hmmm… “traditional” is one way to describe it. But that seems to romanticize something that feels a lot more like power and control than actually being kind, as you say he is. There’s a trend on social media currently where women glamorize being what they call a “trad-wife,” short for “traditional wife.” The trend prioritizes taking care of one’s husband above all else—cooking, cleaning and upholding certain aspirational beauty standards while deferring to the authority of their husbands. These women dream of embodying the stereotypical wife of the 1950s, a time that Gen Z-ers apparently believe was idyllic and simpler. 

The real question is—do they? Do women really want to return to a time when they were the lesser sex, when they had little to no say in matters, when they were more likely to put all of their hopes and dreams on the back burner (literally) in order to solely ensure their husbands were content, fed and, well, taken care of in every sense? Maybe I’m just cynical, but it seems like this deal works out a lot better for the man than the woman. Not to mention that women should be wary of giving up their financial independence to a partner intent on making all the decisions unless they’re 110 percent sure they won’t be left destitute if the relationship doesn’t work out, but that’s a discussion for another time. 

Back to your conundrum. Is being controlling a red flag for abuse? Yes, it absolutely is. Is a controlling partner automatically considered abusive? No, they aren’t. 

“Controlling behavior can stem from a variety of sources,” says Licensed Clinical Psychologist Holly Schiff, Psy.D. of South County Psychiatry. “It can be learned behavior from other relationships that they have either been in or seen. If they were in a past dating relationship where they were taught or conditioned to behave this way, they might carry that experience into their future dating relationships; or perhaps if this was something they saw modeled in their parent's relationship.”

But, your boyfriend could also be using control as a way to, in his mind at least, keep you in line. Most abusive partners start out being nice to their partners. But your boyfriend may now feel that if he doesn’t assert dominance you might cheat on him, leave him or, god forbid, be the one in charge of things. (I say that with sarcasm—why shouldn’t a woman be in charge? But better yet, both partners should have an equal say in decisions in a relationship.) He may be using control because he’s insecure. 

And don’t forget, there are also toxic forms of masculinity reinforced every day through pop culture, movies and music, also referred to as rape culture. “There may be cultural or societal influences that reinforce control when it comes to gender dynamics and roles,” agrees Schiff. 

Here’s how you can tell the difference, but it will take some courage: Talk to him. This situation is obviously making you uncomfortable, and we advise always listening to your gut when things feel off in a relationship. A healthy partner will want to hear you out. A healthy partner will respect your boundaries. A healthy partner will take accountability for their actions and be open to compromise.

If you share your concerns with your boyfriend, i.e. “I’m not feeling comfortable with you making all of the decisions. That’s not the type of relationship I want,” and he gets angry at you, calls you names, uses guilt or shame in order for you to change your mind, or ignores your concerns completely, you pretty much have your answer. These kinds of responses are red flags that, when combined with the controlling red flag, give you a pretty clear picture of your future. And, I’m sorry to report, it’s not going to be good. Your boyfriend may also say they’re open to change, be apologetic and seem to change his behavior,  at least for a while. But if you notice this is only temporary—he soon reverts back to his old ways of being controlling and domineering, then it’s clear that he’s not fully invested in an equal partnership. 

It may help for you to contact a trained domestic violence advocate and share some of your concerns. They can help you identify some of your boyfriend’s actions as abusive (or not), and help you make a safety plan for the future. A safety plan is an outline of how you think it’s safest to proceed the next time your boyfriend tries to control you. It can also lay out the steps you’ll take if you’re ready to separate from this person. A controlling person may become even more controlling, sometimes scary or even violent, when they feel like they’re losing control of their partner, such as during a break-up. It’s important not to underestimate what a person like this may do to keep you. 

If your partner is utilizing controlling behaviors in order to assert power and control over you, they may eventually escalate into other types of abuse. 

“Psychological abuse starts with manipulation, isolation or making decisions for your partner and over time, that can turn into verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse,” warns Schiff. “Things escalate because the controlling or abusive behaviors start to become normalized in the relationship and [the abuser] starts to feel more entitled. If controlling behaviors aren't addressed early on, it becomes part of the dynamic and the victim believes this is how relationships work and the abuser believes their behavior is justified.”

It sounds like your partner is already using sexual abuse as a tactic. In no relationship, no matter how “traditional” both parties aspire to be, should intimacy ever be the decision of just one person. Consent should be given, and is allowed to be revoked, for any act of intimacy. 

Schiff also warns that even if your partner is willing to have a conversation about their controlling behavior, his actions shouldn’t stop there. 

“A crucial factor in whether there can be a healthy relationship is their willingness to change. Do they show remorse and take responsibility for their actions? Are they committed to making long-term changes and actually follow through on that consistently? They need to show consistent and positive change over time to prove it just beyond having the conversation and promising the changes.”

Remember, the longer you wait to draw boundaries, the harder it may be to have this conversation, and the more normalized it may become for you to not have a say in anything. Read, “8 Confidence Boosters” and “3 Ways to Become Mentally Stronger” for ideas in boosting your self-confidence. Then, get in there and speak up. You deserve a safe and healthy relationship. 

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, Twitter or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.