Ask Amanda: Is Estrangement a Form of Abuse?

Key Takeaways:

1. Estrangement as Emotional Abuse: Estrangement can be a manipulation tactic to control or hurt others, especially when used by abusive family members or partners. It often leads to long-term emotional scars like anxiety and self-doubt.
2. Parental and Partner Abusive Dynamics: Abusive patterns, like a mother’s manipulative estrangement or a husband’s silent treatment, can stem from trauma and emotional immaturity, leaving victims feeling trapped and desperate for reconciliation.
3. Steps for Safety and Healing: Survivors are encouraged to set boundaries, seek professional counseling, and prioritize safety, as abuse often escalates when emotional tactics fail.

Q: I’ve been estranged from my mother for close to five years now. It’s her choice, not mine, and it’s been painful. I don’t know what I did wrong. I think it’s just another tactic of her abuse—she’s always been manipulative since I was a child—but I was wondering what you think. I’m also enduring an abusive marriage where I think my husband weaponizes the silent treatment when I don’t do what he wants. It feels like estrangement from both of them and it’s doing a number on my self-esteem. I’m not sure how to deal with all of this.

Estrangement is a tricky area because it can sometimes be a necessary and even healthy way to draw a boundary with someone in our life. But on the flip side, estrangement can be weaponized. Estrangement refers to losing emotional closeness with someone. It’s usually a family member that one is estranged from, and it can be a temporary or permanent state. Sometimes, people choose to be estranged from a family member who isn’t safe—think about an alcoholic parent who isn’t ready to get help or an abusive partner who threatens your safety after you decide to end things. These kinds of relationships can be toxic and likely leave you feeling drained after interacting with this person. Drawing a firm boundary may look like going no-contact with them. They may not be getting the message otherwise. 

On the other hand, if you feel like you haven’t done anything to warrant estrangement, it can be confusing and hurtful. On that note, let’s address your mom’s estrangement first. What you’re experiencing sounds like an emotional abuse tactic. I don’t know your mother’s reasons for cutting off contact with you, but as a mom myself, I can’t imagine anything that would make me stop talking to my children. Then again, abusers are rarely logical, or empathetic. If you have been abused previously by your mother,  I can say for certain that her choice to be estranged from you has nothing to do with you as a person. It has to do with her and some kind of need for power and control over you. 

Women often have different reasons for being abusive than men do. I would suspect that her abuse is learned behavior from another relationship in her life—perhaps she has lived with an abusive partner or had an abusive parent or caregiver in her childhood. This is not excusing her choices, of course, but it does reinforce that again, this is in no way your fault. Your mother likely doesn’t know how to process her emotions in a healthy way, so she may be choosing a flight response. People often respond to trauma with one of four responses: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Her estrangement from you is likely her way to hurt you and there may be conditions she expects you to meet in order to have a relationship with her. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD. It could help clear up some confusion and anger that can come from being raised by an emotionally distant or abusive parent. 

I spoke with Dr. Nivedita Nayak, a certified psychologist and psychotherapist, about how the damage familial estrangement can inflict long term. 

“Familial estrangement can deeply wound a person’s sense of identity and belonging. We naturally expect family relationships to be unconditional, so when they’re weaponized, the emotional fallout can be profound,” says Nayak. 

“What makes this form of abuse so insidious is that it’s often subtle and hard to recognize. There’s no physical harm, but the emotional scars can last for years. People who’ve experienced estrangement as a form of abuse often deal with long-term anxiety, self-doubt and difficulty trusting others, even in new, healthier relationships.”

This may help to explain why it might have felt familiar, even comforting, to find a partner who emulated this type of treatment. Studies show we may unconsciously choose partners who have similar qualities to our parents, as Freudian as that may seem. This concept is called transference. It’s not always the healthiest choice, especially when we choose someone with abusive traits because we were raised in abuse. Your husband using the silent treatment as a punishment is very similar to estrangement. He’s cutting you off from an emotional connection in order to hurt you.

I’m sure you feel like you’re walking on eggshells wondering if your partner will pull away from you if he doesn’t like something you choose to do. Nayak says that survivors of this type of emotional abuse can feel increasingly desperate for validation or reconciliation. 

“This keeps them trapped in the relationship. They may become anxious, depressed and hypervigilant, constantly trying to ‘fix’ things to avoid being cut off again,” she says.

You may identify with the cycle of violence, a four-step pattern many abusive partners may repeat over and over, keeping survivors confused and trapped. It starts with tensions building, and then some kind of incident. This could include his silent treatment or other tactics of abuse. After that, you may see him trying to reconcile in some way, or perhaps even pretend like nothing ever happened (this is called gaslighting). After that, you may experience a period of relative calmness that might give you a glimmer of hope that things are improving or that he’s changed. Soon enough, though, tensions in the home may begin to rise again and the cycle starts over. Not all abusers follow this pattern, though many do. 

If you’re ready to talk to someone about this, consider reaching out to a trained domestic violence advocate at your local shelter. They can provide you not only validation but also help you safety plan for future incidents, or if you think you’re ready to leave. You can find an advocate near you on our Get Help page. 

In the meantime, consider taking the following actions to separate yourself from this type of emotional abuse by both your mother and your partner:

• Try not to engage., Know that ending abuse is not your responsibility, as much as you may want to repair these relationships. Abusers will need to make that choice for themselves. When you sense estrangement is being utilized to punish you, draw a boundary. This can be a physical boundary— if possible, can you get away and stay with a supportive friend or family member for a while? Or, it can be an emotional one. Resolve not to respond to the estrangement. Busy yourself with something else—your job, a hobby, a club, volunteering, etc.
• Seek professional counseling. If possible, find a psychologist who understands abusive tactics and can help you sort through the varied emotions that come with them. 
• Keep yourself safe. Know that abuse almost always escalates. If your husband isn’t getting a reaction using emotional abuse tactics, he may consider escalating to something like threats of violence or outright physical abuse. He may hurt children or pets who share the home. You should never underestimate the limits an abusive partner will go to in order to feel in control. 

For more information, read, “Abuse Almost Always Escalates.”

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, Twitter or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.